HOW ABOUT YOU POKEMON DON’T
Pokemon-GO has been released in several countries now, including the U.S.; it comes at no surprise that the United States has been the leading source for all Pokemon related idiocracy. Honestly, I am no hardcore Pokemon Master, but I have put some time into the game. Not enough time to crash my car, trespass on private property, or stumble across a dead body; it’s more of a mild interest really. Truly, the best part of this entire phenomenon is the news. I would like to share my 8 favorite rib-splitting stories to emerge from this new-age apocalypse.
#1 The Professional
Apparently there is a woman in New York City with a Craigslist add stating she will “walk around in 1-4hr shifts” signed into your account catching Pokemon and hatching eggs for you. She refers to herself as a ‘Professional Pokemon Trainer’. All the bad-assery and bragging rights of Pokemon-GO can be yours with absolutely no effort for a mere $20 an hour. Go, break out those Pay-Pal accounts, and be the Master you were born to be.
#2 A Dead Guy and a Squirtle
Shayla Wiggins, a 19 year old from Riverton, Wyoming, (honestly who didn’t see this coming, that town sounds like the name of tourist destination in a horror film), found a body floating in the river near her mother’s house at B&K MOBILE HOME PARK. She stated, “I was trying to get a Pokemon from a natural water resource,” when she then stumbled upon a dead body that appears to be from an accidental drowning, so the Fremont County Sheriff’s Office says. No foul play was suspected. Wiggins also stated she was “pretty scared and cried for awhile.” No report has been released on whether or not she caught the water Pokemon she was searching for. The road to being the very best is never easy Shayla, I hope you get that Squirtle, boo.
#3 Do You Even Pokemon Bro?
In another town you’ve never heard of, Forest Grove, Oregon, 21-year-old Michael Baker was stabbed while on the quest to catch ‘em all. Around 1am, because that’s a reasonable hour to wander around catching cartoon creatures, he came across another man and asked if he was also “playing Pokemon-GO?” to which the man replied with a knife. Baker was quoted saying “I guess he wanted to battle.” Don’t worry Baker is just fine, and even continued on his “mission” to Plaid Pantry for chips and beer. He vows to be more careful, but says he will remain true to his quest to catch them all.
#4 There Was a Pikachu in the Backseat I Swear
A 28-year-old man was playing Pokemon-GO around 10:44pm on July 12th, while driving, when he suddenly, (I’m shocked!), swerved off the road, in Auburn, NY, and hit a tree. You’re not going to believe this, but he was apparently distracted by the game. Though he was not seriously injured, the new cost of his auto insurance may never be reasonable again.
#5 Jumping Jigglypuffs Judy
Just one day after some guy assaulted a tree in NY, two men in their early 20’s managed to “fall” off a cliff in Encinitas, California. I put the word fall in quotes because I’m 99.9% positive they jumped trying to catch a Butterfree. One of them “fell” to the bottom while the other only “fell” three quarters of the way down. The extent of their injuries was not made clear, but I’m sure the legendary leap was totally worth the comfort of knowing their virginity will remain in tact forever.
A fucking genius by the name of Evan Scribner from Queens, NY has come forward to tell the world his girlfriend left him because she noticed that some of the Pokemon he had caught that day were at his ex-girlfriends house in Bushwick. Well sir, I’m no cheater, but if I were I probably wouldn’t play a game that functions primarily off of a GPS feature, mapping out exactly where I caught that bastard Beedrill that took me 14 poke balls to catch, just saying. Hey man, maybe she’ll forgive you, if not, take comfort in knowing you have a game on your phone with endless numbers of gyms to conquer. You don’t need a woman to make you a Master, no sir.
#7 Fucking Florida
Look, I’m going to be straight with you guys, I live in this state. Home of the bath-salt zombies, man-eating alligators, and Publix subs. You can not talk shit about stupid news without mentioning the WTF News Capitol of the World, Florida. Though most of us still rock walkie-talkies because we don’t know anyone outside of the trailer park behind WalMart we’d need to call, apparently some of the Sunshine State residents have obtained mow-bile telly-fones. This became apparent when two teens, one 19 and one 16, were hanging out catching Caterpie on a random street, (Primrose Lane), when a man walked out of his house and opened fire on their vehicle, according to the Flagler County Sheriff’s Office. The homeowner stated he heard a noise and proceeded to head outside with his handgun. He heard something along the lines of “did you get anything?” when he decided to step in front of the vehicle and instruct the kids not to move. The young pokey-champs freaked out and drove off as this dude opened fire on their vehicle. The investigation is ongoing, however police are warning people too heed no trespass signs, though this seems to be having little to no effect on the determination of Pokemon Trainers nation wide.
In a desperate attempt to appeal to America’s youth, Hillary Clinton held a Pokemon-GO event, even setting up extra ‘lure modules’ in Madison Park in Ohio. The main problem it would appear is that she unintentionally attracted the attention of grade-school children who are not even old enough to vote. This came after her hysterical idea of creating something to make people “Pokemon-GO to the Polls.” I don’t even know how to make fun of that. I’m speechless. Not in the go out and vote kind of way, just like, really? They can’t find me any other options outside of these candidates? “Hey Becky what are you doing?” “Just Pokemon-Going to the polls!!” NO.
I literally want all of these stories to be a joke, but I assure you they are not. Catch ‘em all America, I need my nightly entertainment.